Rethinking Sex
written by Sundeep Thinda
photo by Vikram Bawa

East Indian women today are living in a virtual sexual paradox. Bombarded with so many different competing messages, how does the Indian woman of the 21st century define herself? Sex is a complex issue to begin with, but when you add the dimension of East Indian culture into the mix, complexity quickly gives way to puzzlement. Images of coy Bollywood actresses evading a kiss from the 'hero' with impeccable timing lie in contrast to the lustful romance on daytime soaps such as Days of Our Lives and the 'lets-get-laid' attitude in evening sitcoms such as Friends. To further add to the confusion, both East Indian culture and religion have historically contained a deep thread of sexuality, however the influence of outside empires and cultures throughout the centuries has left us with only covert themes and images of sexuality (and these, seldom discussed).

Culturally, the Indian woman exudes sexuality, yet she is expected to remain in a state of naiveté. This is the paradox. Consider the implied sexuality apparent in Indian clothing and make-up: the bare midriff of the sari, accentuated eyes using kajal/surma, and body art in the form of mendhi. Consider the romanticised Bollywood films, the colorful forms of various Indian dance, and the accompanying songs of love and passion. We have a very sensual culture, yet discussion of the obvious is strictly taboo...especially for women.

So what's the importance of discussing sex? To start with, people often instantly associate sex with the action. As if humans are incapable of discussing sex without stripping their clothes off and jumping into bed. We know that concealing information about sex does not keep children from 'knowing' about sex. However, it's this mentality that has led to a lack of sex education and information in many conservative cultures. In India, it has contributed to one of the highest birth rates in the world, and what is today considered an HIV/AIDS epidemic (nearly 4 million infected).

Aside from limiting information, societies that restrict sexuality also do so by enforcing different standards of sexual behavior for men and women. There is a reason that the post-sexual revolution has spawned popular television shows like HBO's Sex in the City. Disregarding critiques of this show via feminist theory, Sex in the City has been revolutionary, not in action (there is no more nudity/sex scenes than other HBO creations), but rather in its open discussion of sex. The radical notion here is that women are openly discussing sex, without shame or guilt. Not only do the female characters candidly talk about different types of sex (masturbation, oral sex, etc.), but they also share and compare experiences and encourage each other to be free in their expression. This is not to say that promiscuity should be condoned, or equated with sexual openness, but rather to underscore the fact that women should be in control of their own sexuality and one of these ways is through open dialogue. Is this notion too idealistic? Yes, but after all, we must start somewhere.

East meets West
The challenge that faces Indian women in the post-sexual revolution is developing an identity whilst still balancing East Indian cultural norms. This begs the question, "What are East Indian cultural norms anyway?" Well the answer is more unclear today than ever. The traditional patriarchal family model has been loosening up over the years, especially here in North America. Through both financial necessity and the advantage of more accessible education, Indian women have been joining the workforce in increasing numbers. This has brought a change to the traditional Indian family dynamic, where women seemingly have more rights and freedoms. Additionally, the Western-culture juggernaut has penetrated the Eastern world with such force that it has left behind a storm of Tommy sweatshirts and Gap jeans. For better or worse, today's Indian culture is a fusion of East and West.

Trying to shift the current sexual paradigm of the East Indian culture is an uncomfortable venture. Growing up, women (and men to a lesser degree) have been conditioned to avoid anything sexual. Even dating, which by Western standards is part of the normal developmental process, is often seen as inappropriate and unacceptable. In the West, one of the functions of dating is sexual exploration, whereas for the East Indian woman, marriage has been the major transition and context for adult sexuality. It's not a matter of arguing whether one culture is right or wrong, but rather acknowledging that today the two cultures are blending together and we need to readjust for this.

Research indicates that gender differences in sexual behavior have decreased over time. This suggests that both female and male sexuality is subject to change and influenced by social standards. Therefore, as social standards within the East Indian community transform here in North America, the varying standards of sexual behavior for men and women will also be forced to change.

Changing Our Views
Parents are burdened with the responsibility of helping their children make sense of the numerous sexual messages they are bombarded with from schoolmates, television, movies, video games and the Internet. Can you imagine how daunting and anxiety provoking this can be for Immigrant parents? These topics are avoided like the plague. We are products of our environments, and as discussed earlier, the East Indian environment has traditionally been sexually repressed. This may have worked when times were simpler, but simple times these no longer are. The onus is on the Young adults of this generation; the ones who can understand and help make the East-West blend a successful one.

Too often young adults internalize the ideals passed on by their parents in an environment where those expectations are unlikely to be met. In the context of relationships for example, many individuals place emphasis on insignificant concepts such as virginity, rather than more meaningful concepts such as communication, confidence, and healthy thinking. The importance doesn't lie in whether one has had sexual experiences or how many, but rather what the learning process was from these experiences. Was it a positive or negative experience? If you made a mistake, did you learn from it? Are you more in touch with your emotions? Do you know how to express yourself better? We need to change the view that anything sexual is
negative.

Recent studies of college students have indicated that the standards for sexual behaviour have changed. The age of first intercourse has lowered and there is increased sexual activity among female adolescents. These are facts. It only makes sense that we change our views to accommodate reality.

The Double Standard
The 'double standard' of sexual behavior is the social standard that allows men greater freedom of expression than women. Consider this the first thing that needs to be changed about the way we view sexuality. In both the Eastern and Western worlds, the double standard of gender roles is intertwined with patriarchal structure. You can only imagine how this is magnified within the East Indian culture. Boys are treated different than girls as they become adults, and this translates into men and women who firmly believe in the double standard. This is a factor that has greatly shaped women's sexuality. Studies of gender differences have showed, ironically, that women believe the double standard for sexual behavior more than men. Are women their own worst enemies? Once again, we are products of our environments and if women are taught that they should be less sexual, they will behave accordingly. For example, a woman who pursues a man may be considered to be behaving in an unacceptably forward manner (called a slut, tramp, or whore). Often it is other women who view sexual expression by a woman as automatically negative. There needs to be a stop to the propagation of unconstructive attitudes and an increase in support of the common plight.

The solution? We can no longer be concerned with trying to change the views of elders who were brought up in a completely different environment. Today's India is not yesterday's India, and trying to maintain the values of yesterday's India in North America is definitely futile. The role of the East Indian woman is no longer static. A change of thinking in 'generation now' is what is needed most. Let us acknowledge the sensuality of the East Indian culture; let's discuss sex openly, without embarrassment; let's reinforce healthy aspects of sex and educate against harmful ones; and above all, lets ensure that both genders are treated equally. Sex needs to be demystified. Open discussion should not only be a part of formal education, but also an essential part of life-long development. After all, a healthy self-identity includes integration of one's sexuality in creating a whole individual.