Breaking the Rules…the new predator?
written by Jasmin Sandhu

It's my belief that male-female relationships can be summed into a single, often distasteful category: Playground Politics. Let me explain. Remember the grubby kindergarten years when you would grab whatever you could manage just because little Johnny or Jill wanted it? That private glee you nourished hasn't diminished with age- in fact, it has grown into a monster you may have trouble controlling. This coupled with an odd, transferable energy, hatred and animal-like attraction can be lethal. Once upon a time women insisted upon breaking these unforgiving shackles of tradition to pursue male dominated arenas in the cultural diasporas, not withstanding the workplace, domesticity and of course, romance. "Balance" is now encouraged. Forget the 60 hour work week and let part-time employment, carpools and soccer/piano/tabla lessons become part of your daily mantra. While the feminists of yesteryear cringe in agony, we come to the primary debate at hand. Are desi women as competitive or as willing to undertake the same risks as men?

In a paper entitled "Sex Differences and Valuations of the Environment?" researchers from McMaster and the University of Western Ontario examined age old natural selection theory. They state that in 1871 Darwin drew a distinction between the process of natural selection which favours improved phenotypic designs that enhance survival and the efficient transformation of resources into growth and reproduction, from sexual selection which is a matter of differential access to mates.

Over a century later, some professional males would disagree. "There's no indicator that men are more competitive or greater risk takers than women, especially in this day and age," says Dr. Rohit Nagpal, M.B.B.S. "Men and women are the most competitive in the realms of education and professional progress. Competition in a relationship depends on various factors, for example, whether the couple are in the same profession…but I think that women lose that 'edge' when they come home."

Some question our techniques for measuring success. After all, despite an increase of professional minority women in the workplace in recent times, many still value the accomplishments of their husbands or families before their own. On that note, competition amongst women remains fierce. "I think women still measure a lot of their success according to who their husband is," articling law student Susan Rai said. "I don't see myself with a lawyer, because it becomes an issue of competition. Making more money than my husband wouldn't be an issue for me, but I'm sure it would be for him." Toronto-based filmmaker Shaleen Sangha agrees. "I'd marry another filmmaker because I think I'd receive a certain amount of support that I'd need. I'm not competitive, but lets be honest…if I was a better filmmaker or more successful, that's where it would get complicated. All men have this problem, they might not want to, but can they really feel happy for you with that innate competitive nature?"

For many women, family traditions and marital relationships pose significant threats to a burgeoning career. Desi wear co-founder and entrepreneur Manny Brar believes that women are as generally as competitive in their educational and career choices as men and that the patriarchy has accepted a "level playing field." He is also the first to admit that even second and third generation Indo-Canadian families seem to push females into traditional professions so they can become marketable in the marriage environment. Men, so they can become heads of the household, and women, so they can be considered equals. "Men and women are definitely equipped to handle the demands of professional and family life. Both men and women bring in income, educational expertise…responsibility has to be divided," Brar said. He noted that not everyone has this privilege, as many men still look to their spouses as secondary contributors. "Domestic environments and living with expectations really sucks for women- what some people have to put up with is horrible! In our family, we do not place restrictions on each other, because everyone has a different path…anything that Ruby wants to do, she does. Whether it's getting her Masters or becoming principal."

Rai is bemused by societal expectations. "In high school you're asked about your educational plans. While you're in college or university, you're asked about your subject interests. Finally when you're pursuing a career path, you get asked when you plan on getting married!" She said many still believe marriage is the ultimate goal, and that a lot of people in the Punjabi community don't understand that she wants to excel in her career, as it isn't just a pre-nuptial detour. "All my relatives say 'okay, now that you've spent six years in school, get married.' But I'm not a lawyer yet, I'm not where I want to be, I'm just starting out. What can I do? I can't just start working for a firm and ask for maternity leave nine months later."

Both Rai and Sangha have experienced enormous roadblocks while working in the "boys club." Rai says she's constantly mistaken to be an assistant, not an issue her male peers would encounter daily. Sangha believes that competition is rooted in motivation and personality, not gender. She argues that people who are rooted in tradition and who follow the rules of the past have greater problems achieving success. "The assumption in my program (Film and Television production), was a woman didn't have the same technical knowledge a man did. You really had to work hard to prove yourself as an equal, and then even harder just to succeed. Because I was a young female, people would automatically think I didn't know anything about sound or cameras- it's only when I proved myself that they shut up! I have to earn respect, it's not given to me, whereas males in my field automatically get it - especially if they're older."

How does the nurturer balance professional life with family life, is there in fact even a choice? With extended families and ever present in-laws the continuing norm, the power of the male head-of-household still remains intact. The question of who is the greater competitor or risk taker becomes an issue of biology and social programming, not just finances. On occasion, my own mother has been known to argue that a man must make more than his spouse in order to maintain a healthy atmosphere for his observant subjects. This ironically comes from a woman who has been employed in a very lucrative profession for over thirty-five years. Both Rai and Sangha admit they find family life complete with children an appealing thought, but are aware of the possible damage that may occur to their respective careers, something most men may never have to worry about. So how fair is Darwin's observation that men are more likely to take risks and indulge in competition? Would he have considered that women would one day take the place of men in the boardroom or in the home? "It took me a while to accept the theory that men may be more competitive," Sangha concedes. "The truth is, this capitalist society is made up by a patriarchy and the way women were naturally "made" as accessories conflicts with the idea of male oriented competition…I don't think it's in our nature."

But we've had to observe some of these qualities, haven't we?

"In a race for survival of the fittest, women would win- no question," Dr. Nagpal concluded. "The South-Asian woman today would have a greater chance of survival because the qualities she possesses no other has: she's adaptable, hardworking, self sufficient and has better coping mechanisms than the South-Asian man." He laughs, admitting success can also be contributed to the dependency and complacency the typical desi man still has to his women, in regards to day to day activities.

The institution of marriage has succeeded in resurrecting my competitive streak (or inner demons), whichever you prefer. Perhaps the sudden change in status will be the catalyst for my success. After all, it's now or never. There is no choice, but to prosper in my own right as one should never be content as the less intelligent, unfocused or frivolous piece of the domestic equation. My husband will have to deal with ME as a professional, articulate person. Ambitious and driven; complex and apparently unfeminine in my pursuits. To hell with self-sacrifice and all that jazz, if women reserve the right to compete with each other, why shouldn't we compete with a man at every instance? Call it what you want, my survival instinct or PMS, as my dear husband would say- "it's so on!"

Lest he forget…I'll always get the last hidden laddoo at the back of the fridge!