Anya's Diary: Anya looks for love on the internet
written by Anya

Anya is the quintessential girl next door - in search for real human experiences, emotional connections and yes, even love. This is her diary where she reaches out to you. You are no longer alone. Her diary is a place where experiences are shared and the reasons behind connections and disconnections are explored. When she shares her stories, you may feel just a little more understanding, a little more compassion and a whole lot of "Nooo waaay man, that didn't REALLY happen!" You know you know what she's talking about! ;)

On Thursday last week, I arrived in New York City on the last flight into LaGuardia. I was so excited about this trip because after seven months, I was finally going to meet Sandeep, a guy who I had met on an Indian matrimonial website. In fact, he was THE guy who, through the exchange of emails, telephone conversations and pictures, I had envisioned as my future husband.

His flight got in at 8pm and I couldn't wait! To distract myself from checking my cell phone every 5 minutes, friends and I decided to check out a fantastic Thai restaurant in the Lower East side. Sipping pomegranate martinis, amazingly, time flew by. Having not heard from him by 10pm, I decided to text message him to ask if he was in town,

"u here?"
He responded, "yes, r u coming over?"
Not wanting to come off as too forward for my future husband, I texted,
"hungry? wanna meet me at the restaurant?"
His response? "i'm knackered. would u come over here?"
Having heard that all successful marriages require compromise, I downed my drink, waved good bye to my friends, hopped in a cab, and said "To the Hyatt at Grand Central, please."

I got out of the cab, and walked into the enormous hotel lobby. Anxiously, I asked the doorman directions to the bathrooms and the lounge. Sandeep kept me waiting. I stood at the lounge entrance for about 10 minutes and finally text messaged him.

"where r u?"
He texted me back, "i'm standing here in a black coat."

Sudden adrenaline rushed through me. Panicked, I thought 'Oh my God, he is watching me.' Every single action and thought from the previous 10 minutes flashed instantly through my mind. Had I been picking my teeth, wiping my nose, tugging at my underwear, putting on more lipgloss? 'This must be what it feels like just before you die', I thought. I looked around and he was nowhere... until, oh...was that?...what....who? I saw him. I walked a bit, he walked a bit, and finally I laid eyes on my future husband for the first time since our original email exchange 7 months and 16 days ago.

"Hello Sandeep." I stared into his eyes.
"Hello." He looked at me, and looked away.
"It's nice to finally meet you." I took the opportunity to take him in - shoes, face, hair. Nice.
"You too." He was nervous.
Seeming boyish at first glance, he presented his confidence quickly by taking my coat, offering to buy me a drink and walking over to the bar to go get it. I watched him, thinking to myself, "I thought you were going to look different, be taller, hmm... perhaps, even a little bigger in the pecs." I gave my head a shake and determined that I liked him. All those email exchanges, text messages and phone conversations couldn't all have lead up to one huge moment of indifference, could they? Naaahhh... I liked him for him and that was that. After all, he was my future husband.

We talked about all kinds of fun things and as the evening drew to a close, we spoke about our first impressions of each other. I told him that I was impressed with his take charge nature, and he told me that he was impressed with my "eye candy factor." Ignoring that comment and my intuition, he eventually walked me to the door. As I got into my cab, I disregarded that little niggling feeling of doubt.

The next morning, I arrived at his hotel and text messaged him,
"i'm downstairs."

Fifteen minutes later, he arrived. Noticing that promptness was not so much a big deal for him, yet not wanting to come across as untoward, I gave him my best smile and said "Hey you, let's explore!" In our trek to the nearest museum, an awkward, uncomfortable silence manifested between us. Our energies were not in sync, but it didn't make any sense. My Internet boyfriend and I had had so much to talk about over email, yet, in person, our conversations were wanting, our chemistry not sparking, and our anxiety increasing. I thought that his foul mood may have been due to exhaustion from working, travelling, etc., but for some reason, Sandeep could not get out of his funk. He complained about the weather, the city, the food, and then he went on to complain some more. He even complained about himself, saying that he was ruining the date. Like a compliant and understanding life partner, I reassured my future husband that his behaviour was not self-sabotaging and that it would all work out for the best. We could work through this, we could tough it out…after all, it is by putting their mettle to the test that couples become stronger, isn't it?

That evening, we had dinner reservations at a gorgeous Moroccan restaurant. The lighting was gorgeous and all I could think to myself was that my lipgloss must be looking particularly spectacular in the candlelight. I was hoping Sandeep would notice. He appeared to be looking at me sideways, in glances, trying not to get caught. I played along, and looked here and there, trying to give him the best angles of my face without seeming obvious. The key to my success, I was sure, was to be subtle, and to maintain a look of perpetual innocence and surprise. After all, who wants to marry a narcissist?

He asked me to order for him. Perfect! Wanting to impress him by recalling from previous conversations that he only eats fish, I grabbed at the opportunity for him to recognize my attentive and considerate nature. So, I ordered him the fish.

Well, what arrived was a fish.
An entire fish. Head. Tail. Body. Bones. All of it.
My heart sunk deep into my toes. Having been a vegetarian for years, I happen to know the basic rule about food that was once alive. It should not be able to stare at you with one eye. Oh! I was a complete failure as a future wife. How could I expect someone to marry me if I couldn't even ORDER dinner right, much less cook it? He stared at it for quite some time, before he said,
"I can't eat this."
After having the head cut off, he still stared at his plate - head down - for a full 5 minutes. I could either have been there or not. What a complete waste of lipgloss.

I loved the music, the DJ, the belly dancers, and the atmosphere. I did not, however, love my Internet boyfriend. How could I have been so wrong about my future husband's personality and character? What was I gonna tell all my friends? How bad of a judge of character am I, anyway?

The next day, my energy was drained and my patience was tried and worn. My intentions up till then had been good, my efforts had been solid, but the reality that this wasn't working out was beginning to set in. Opting to give the Internet love of my life one more shot, we toured the city again, toiling away with feigned effort, and with pressure mounting between us. I just wanted to have it out with him. I wanted to know how we both could have been so wrong about each other. I wanted to say to him "Why are you so NOT the person you portrayed yourself to be?!" I wanted to know why he was so good over email? Why was he so sexy on the phone? Why was he such a dud in person? He had portrayed himself to be a charming, articulate and funny man. THAT's the guy I liked. That's the guy I envisioned as my husband. Not this guy who showed up in NYC, in his sneakers and baggy pants, hands in his pockets, head down, kicking pebbles, as though he had never been on a date before.

Finally, the beautiful moment came when we could leave each other. We hugged goodbye and he hugged me tight - as though he had much to say or feel, but he didn't know how to express himself. The Sandeep that I envisioned would have known exactly what to say and exactly what to do.

Sitting on the shuttle bus, airport bound, in the silence of my own mind, the answer came to me suddenly - like a flash of blue screen. I had made him up. I had made up the entire thing. Sandeep Marwaha of Sunnyside Road is exactly himself. He is that guy who showed up in NYC, a little bit shy and unsure of himself, slightly pessimistic by nature, a good writer of emails and a fair communicator over the phone. My future husband is someone quite different. He is a culmination of all the traits I want to see in the man of my dreams. It was so easy to mold Sandeep's words over the phone and through email into pieces of information that fit what I wanted to hear. I simply ignored the pieces that didn't fit. And, why? Because I could. I had that luxury. He was a million miles away and until we met each other, I didn't have to deal with his somewhat timid mannerisms, his lack of social grace, and his inability to make me swoon. I had no choice but to deal with it, squarely. And you know what? My future husband will make me swoon.

This afternoon, via email, I broke up with my internet boyfriend.