She Loves Me, She Loves me Not

Dear Laky,

I am in a weird situation. It all started when I joined this new company. I met a girl and within a few months we realized that we were in love. Later, she had to move to another city because of her job. We started a long distance relationship which continued for three years. Through out this phase I had been in regular touch with her and we continued to be in love. I would visit her once in a while and called her almost three times a week.

I had to move to England on a medium term project (6 months and still going on...). I called her at least two times a week. We would talk and I thought everything was right inspite of the distance. We started discussing marriage etc... everything was hunky dory.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, she told me she was not interested in marrying me. She told me she had met this guy on chat (guy is in the US) and she was intrigued by him. She also said she developed a crush on him. I was shocked and couldn't imagine that she would do something like this. I tried telling her she might be making a wrong decision by going for someone whom she never met. I failed. She said she couldn't get him out of her thoughts. All the time she had maintained that this 'chat guy' didn't know anything about her feelings for him.

After considerable pleading, I eventually said I would bow out for her happiness. The problem is that I am still concerned about her, and that I still have feelings for her. I am worried she is inviting problems for herself by developing a love for a chat friend. In the end if things don't turn up in her favor, she will be devastated. I keep talking to her even now. She says she still loves me but also says that she still has feelings for this 'chat guy'. I have a lot of questions unanswered. Why did she do this? (I asked her and she said it just happened !!). What am I supposed to do in this situation? I don't feel any anger because it is stifled by my love for her. My anger will only cause more tension. However, I feel frustrated and ditched.

Ramses the Last

Dear Ramses the Last,

Your story is very touching and my heart goes out to you. Long distant relationships can be very hard if two people are not strong in their love for each other. That is not to say that they can not work, because many have and do. Distance can make the heart grow fonder if two individuals have the strength to over come the inherent obstacles that distance creates.

It sounds like that everything was good between the two of you while you where here together but once she moved things began to change. There may have been subtle changes that you may not have seen.

Internet relationships are not unheard of, actually some very strong friendships and intimate relationships get their roots from there. I do not doubt that this chat friend has sparked her interest, it troubles me that he is not aware of how she feels. Why would she want to throw something so beautiful with you for a guy that she has not even met?

I don't doubt that you care about this girl a lot, but it is not your job to protect her. I think that you have to ask yourself a few very vital questions. What would you do if nothing happened with this chat guy, would you take her back? How did you see your relationship and how did she see it? It appears to me that you were not on the same page even though you both talked about marriage. What troubles me the most is that if she has professed her love to you, how can she even let another guy enter into her heart and mind, What's to say that this doesn't happen again.

I don't blame you for feeling frustrated and betrayed. It doesn't seem that you are going to get any resolution since she has no answers for you. I would suggest that you attempt to sever ties with her. I know that this is a hard thing to do, but you have to look after yourself too. It's going to be more painful for you if you keep talking to her. If you maintain contact it might give her the impression that you are there to fall back on. You are not second best for her or anyone else. Will she get hurt, maybe, will she regret this if it doesn't work, sure. Your next step should not be contingent on what she decides to do. You have to make a decision, whether it be that you let her go and let your wounds heal or you maintain contact with her. Please do not deceive yourself, while you were in an intimate relationship that had tremendous growth potential, it unfortunately did not work.

Whenever one gets into a long relationship and it ends, most of the time the painful aspect of it is letting it go. It is partly human that we hold onto the routine that we created with that other person. Whether that be calling that person first thing in the morning and seeing them everyday. It is only natural for people to miss this, please don't cling to something because you miss the feeling of having someone in your life. The initial emptiness that gets left behind does go away. You need to be fair to yourself.

Some people come into our lives only for a moment and upon their departure we are changed forever and therefore never the same!!!

Good luck

Laky