Laky has a B.A. in Sociology and an Honours Bachelor's of Social Work. She is also registered with the Ontario College of Certified Social Workers and Social Service Workers. Laky has been doing work with physically and developmentally challenged young adults, and VAW (violence against women). Send your questions to laky@mybindi.com

Dear Laky,

I was married last year to the love of my life. We had dated for 2 years. He is Sikh and I am Hindu. I got to know his family and they seemed very nice people. I thought I had it made. I was marrying the guy of my dreams and his family was cool and accepted me even though I was Hindu.

As soon as we were married his family (his mother in particular) hinted that I was not to see my parents often. I accepted it and saw my parents once a month. My husbands family also discouraged me from meeting my lifetime friends and said that after marriage it is time
for the couple to start spending time with groom's family.

As time went on my career in finance was being delayed because of all the household chores and expectations from the new daughter in law. This situation was making me depressed as they were trying to change me as a person. It seems that all this time all they wanted was a servant and not someone to love. After bringing my feelings to my husband he would always side with his family.

I later suggested that we move out and start our life together. He only replied that his older brother was not financially able to maintain the mortgage on his own and that in some time, maybe a year or two we might move out.

He was always accusing me of disrespecting his mother because I yelled at her. I only yelled at her because she would not understand my point of view. I felt that I was alone fighting my battles in that house and that I had no one in my corner. I replied that respect is a two way street and I couldn't understand why his mother would not allow her son to start a life with his wife as she did with her husband.

I am now separated from my husband and I feel that there is no way I can go back to a place where I have no respect and love. I moved in with my parents. I do love my husband but I don't want the trouble - what can I do?

Sincerely,

Lost in Love

Dear Lost in Love

Marriage is a life long commitment and requires both people to make compromises and sacrifices. However, in many instances it is the female that makes most of the changes. It is unfortunate that in our day and age, as civilized as we all profess to be, Religion is still a barrier that many have not yet overcome.

It is human nature that a mother will do whatever she can to protect her son this has been a struggle that many wives have had to contend with. I don't understand what she feels she needs to protect her son from. What you need to do is talk to your husband about what your family means to you and what his family means to him. There should be no differentiation about how your respective families are treated. I don't understand why his family would prevent you from seeing your friends and/or family.

I can't imagine what you must be going through and how hard it has been for you to live in a home where you don't feel respected and most importantly loved. Marriage is hard if you partner does not support you and stand by you, even with his family. Making the decision to leave must have been very difficult, but it does appear that you tried to speak to your husband about things that were happening. I don't think that you can completely give up on your husband or your marriage.

Getting to know someone is a life long journey, when two people make the decision to get married you only know a small portion of who that person is. The same applies for your partner's family.

You need to keep the channels of communication open with you husband and continue to convey to him how you are feeling. I think that it is imperative that you separate the problems you have with his mother and focus on what you can both do to resolve the situation.

After reading your e-mail I wonder why he married you if he wanted you to be a totally different person. I also question why his parents initially gave the two of you their blessing if they did not approve of you. It appears that his mother is having a great deal of difficulty letting go of her son. I get the impression from you mail that he is very responsible and reliable and his mother is fearful that he will become so entrenched in his own life that they will be left by the wayside. It sounds like they depend on him for a lot and they don't appear to expect as much from his brother. Their insecurities are what is creating the gap between you and your husband.

Your troubles are not unique; I do not say this to minimize what you are going through. You need to persevere, hang in and don't give up. You need to talk things out, the purpose is not to give him an ultimatum or to make him choose, just try to make him understand.

Laky