Laky has a B.A. in Sociology and an Honours Bachelor's of Social Work. She is also registered with the Ontario College of Certified Social Workers and Social Service Workers. Laky has been doing work with physically and developmentally challenged young adults, and VAW (violence against women). Send your questions to laky@mybindi.com

Hi Laky,

I am entering my second year in university and I have a problem. I met this girl during first year because we both lived in the same residence. We ended up really liking each other and started going out. The problem is that in the early days of our friendship, before we started going out, I saw the way she acted around guys. For example I saw her grinding with guys at clubs to reggae etc. But, that was before we started to go out. Secondly, when we were going out, I asked her to confess to me about who she thinks (guys) is "cute" or good looking at our university. After asking a few times she gave me three names. I was very shocked and got upset at her. Was that justified? Also, I went to surprise her at a club, and called her from the front of the club and she did not even come outside, because her friends had asked her to stay inside. I also got upset at this. And finally, she has an ex-boyfriend that she was minimally sexually involved with him. She says she does not even care to remember it and that she regrets it but should I believe her? Should I appreciate her honesty or should I be disgusted by her past ?? Laky, time in and time out, she has proven to me that she is the sweetest girl in the world. But constantly I keep replaying these incidents in my head, and get angry with her, and ultimately distrust her. I am really confused, because besides these incidents, she has been the sweetest and best girlfriend I have ever had. But I truly don't know what to do. Ultimately Laky, all I want to know is how to cope with the past, and what should I do to improve this relationship, and take it a step further, because we're approaching our 9 month anniversary.

Confused in Love, Toronto

Confused in Love,

Romance almost always grows at the most unexpected times but its still very beautiful if its given the opportunity to bloom. Those relationships that start as friendships are the best ones because there is nothing hidden.

It sounds like this girl is very special to you and that is why you are fighting these inner demons. First let me tell you to be very careful not to condemn her for her past actions. However is it important that you voice your concerns. Everyone makes mistakes and many of us grow and learn from them. We all as a result change and become better and more mature individuals because of the life experiences we have had.

You mentioned in your e-mail about how she would act around guys before you started dating. This behavior did not occur behind your back. If it bothered you so much why would you start going out with her. You owe it to yourself to talk to her about this incident and how much it bothered you. Air out your feelings so that you can put this behind you and focus on the other issues that you both have.

The other thing that you mentioned in your e-mail was that you asked her what guys she thought were cute…why would you ask her such a question if you could not handle the answer. It seems to me that you are insecure in your relationship and you need to work on those issues yourself. Has she ever given you any reasons not to trust her? Has she ever cheated on you on acted in a manner that disrespects you? What did you mean when you asked her what guys she thought were "cute". Thinking someone is cute doesn't mean that she would rather be with them.

The last incident that you mentioned in our mail was when you surprised her at a club…you have a right to be upset with her about that incident but that shouldn't break your relationship. Your feelings are your own and no one can tell you how you should feel. While you are disgusted with the events of her past relationship and you may not agree with what she did, does that change the person you were initially attracted to and have come to know.

You need to look at the deeper person, you have stated that she is the sweetest and best girl in the world. You have also acknowledged that you want to find ways to work on this and move this relationship further, it shows a great deal of commitment and dedication on your part. You will come across many people who may have pasts that you don't approve of, does that mean that you don't get into any relationship. If you are planning on holding out for the perfect person, I have news for you there is no such person.

You need to talk to her and tell her how you are feeling. It doesn't sound like she has done anything for you not to trust her or feel betrayed. Granted you are not impressed with her past actions. You need to focus on her as a person and look at what it is that attracted you to her in the first place and how she treats you when you are together and how she makes you feel. Having said that you also need to be aware that if you can not get this out of your head your relationship will never transcend this. You will always be angry and eventually end up resenting her. She can't change the past, however she can show you now what kind of a person she is. Make your decision based on who she is now.

I hope that you are able to get beyond these issues and allow your relationship to flourish into something beautiful. Nothing ever happens the way we want it to, but don't throw away a beautiful thing.


Laky