Laky has a B.A. in Sociology and an Honours Bachelor's of Social Work. She is also registered with the Ontario College of Certified Social Workers and Social Service Workers. Laky has been doing work with physically and developmentally challenged young adults, and VAW (violence against women). Send your questions to laky@mybindi.com

Dear Laky,

I was born and adopted by American diplomats in India. I have lived most of my life overseas and readily adopt other cultures. I speak many languages and have tried to learn Hindi but my American accent prevails!! Here's the issue. I am going to India for the first time in 23 years. I am going to visit my best friends family for a wedding and was planning on meeting up with my boyfriends family. What are the cultural implications on me being adopted from India? and how do I act around the family when I meet them initially? ie. do I touch their feet when I see them. His family knows about me. And I believe that they are somewhat liberal but this is their only son. But, my boyfriend has not gone into too much detail because he wants to speak about his feelings for me in person. I'm just afraid to make this step with the potential that so much can go wrong. So, I was hoping you could provide me with some more information on customs of South India and what would be expected of me? How to dress and what the worse case scenario would be if his family hates me or doesn't approve.

I really love this guy and he has been so supportive of me. I want to make a good impression for the relationship but I'm not sure if I'd handle the rejection so well. This is the first time of going back to the country of my birth, and it would hurt if I was rejected for having been adopted or what have you not.

So please help me!! I need a crash course in culture before I even decide if I can muster up the courage to go. Please help me!! I follow the culture as much as I can, but I can't change who I am which is American.

- Confused

Dear Confused

First let me congratulate you on finding the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. Let me also take this opportunity to commend you on the fact that you are trying to learn more about a culture that has in essence been foreign to you. Keeping a relationship alive and vibrant takes a lot of work and trying to incorporate another culture and its tradition's requires even more work.

My first impression from your e-mail is that your boyfriend doesn't seem to have helped your fears. He needs to be the one that you go to, to have all your questions answered. It is his responsibility to tell you what his family is like and what he proposes to do if his family does not accept you. I'm concerned that he hasn't told his parents about you, this could mean many things. I don't want you to go to India to meet his family only to be rejected by them because your boyfriend hasn't spoken to them about his relationship with you. I would suggest that you ask your boyfriend why he hasn't told his family about you, the explanation that he gave you is not a viable reason. If this is the case then I suggest that you do not go to meet his family on this trip to India. Your boyfriend needs to be the one to ease your fears, anxieties, and concerns. You should both expect and demand this, there's no reason for you to be left in the dark. This introduction should be a pleasant and exciting time in your relationship not one filled with more unanswered questions. It doesn't sound like the two of you have had a lot of discussion around your relationship and where you stand if his parents do not accept you.

I know that you have mentioned that they are liberal but even liberal families are traditional about certain things. Your boyfriend should be able to tell you whether his family adheres to the tradition of touching the feet of their elders, some families no longer practice this custom (this custom is meant for intimate and close friends and family). As for your plans to meet his family, that's entirely up to you, however it is usually common practice that you would either go with your boyfriend or someone from his family that knows you. Having your boyfriend with you during your initial meeting would simply serve as moral support for you and I think you may feel more comfortable if he were there with you. I can completely understand that your boyfriend wants to talk to his parents on his own and in person. My question to you then, is it wise for you to go meet his family when he hasn't really had the opportunity to speak to his parents.

Let me tell you one thing…even those who are versed in the culture have things go wrong. Nothing ever goes as we plan it to. I believe that there is a lot to be said for intent and your willingness to learn. Even if your Hindi has an American accent, it shouldn't matter as long as you are trying.

If you are absolutely certain that you want to go through with this, then I would suggest that you wear a nice Salwar Kameez (maybe you and your boyfriend could shop for this together before you go). Since you are in a dating relationship you may also want to take a small gift for his family (nothing too big or expensive, it should be more of a thoughtful gesture) and maybe a box of Indian sweets.

As for your fear that his family may hate you, I can't see why they would. You seem to have given this a great deal of thought and you want to make sure that you do not disrespect them in any way. Don't set yourself up for failure, that in it self is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you decide that you are going to meet his parents then enter into the situation with the belief that everything will go well. Be sincere and truthful about who you are and where you have come from. You have nothing to be ashamed of, there is nothing wrong with being adopted by Americans. Please don't start to worry about what you will do if his family hates you, if your boyfriend truly loves you and wants to be with you then he will make it work.

Rejection is a very difficult thing to overcome, no one likes to feel that way. I can only imagine how hard this trip is going to be for you since this is also the first time you are going back since you were adopted. Based on what you have told me, you are taking on a lot all at once. I'm a little concerned about you meeting his family while you are there. There are many reasons for my concern, you are going back after along time, you will be meeting his family without him, he has not spoken to them in detail about you and you do not know too much about the culture. I suggest that while you are in India do a lot of observing this will allow you to see how different people from different age groups interact. What also might be helpful to you is to compare these interactions/relationships, how people dress and body language with those in America. One thing I can tell you is that Indians hold their parents and or elders in very high regard.

Stay strong and focused and everything will work out just fine. Do what you think is right and what you feel comfortable with. If you decide not to meet his family but rather take this trip as an exercise in re-education about India and its culture then it is an invaluable experience.

I wish you all the best and hope that your boyfriend is able to ease some of your fears and answer all of your questions.

Good luck,

Laky