Have arranged marriages met their match?
Picture this: Montreal, the early 1990s. I was 20. He was 22. Our gaze met across a crowded room (no really!) and we knew immediately. We wanted to?date.
The classic scenario: Someone known to both the girl’s and boy’s families would suggest the pair as a prospective match. The parents would have an opportunity to review the ‘bio-data’ of the proposed individual and ascertain the soundness of the match. If both sides were content with the results of the initial screening, a tea party would be arranged at the family home of the prospective bride to give the intended spouses a brief opportunity to meet. The girl, wearing her best silk sari and adorned in her finest jewels, would make a quiet and regal entrance to serve the tea to the hopeful in-laws and shy groom. With barely a glance at one another and often no opportunity to talk alone, the girl and the boy would consent (or not) to the match and embark on a lifelong journey together.
This, essentially, was the story of my parents’ matrimony. And truth be told, they have had a joyous marriage, filled with love, laughter, respect and commitment. It shines brightly as an example to me and my two younger sisters. So, in their minds, why do any differently with their daughters?
The simple fact is that I, my sisters, indeed a whole generation of South Asians have been raised in a part of the world where individuality, autonomy and control over one’s own destiny are notions of great value. While we cherish our traditions and cultural roots, we also imbibe the values of our host (or should I say home) culture. We are not only Indian, we are not exclusively Canadian; rather, we are a unique cultural hybrid. For most of us first generation Indo-Canadians, it seems inconceivable that our life-mates should be chosen almost exclusively by our parents.
And so times have changed. The Diaspora is adapting to new cultural influences and to technological advances. Many South Asian youth today enjoy an unprecedented freedom in the selection of an ideal mate. If this does not occur in the natural course of life, such as meeting a life partner in university or in the workplace, the advent of internet matrimonial sites, speed dating events and social networking sites take on the role of the middlemen to facilitate introductions. Dating, generally speaking, is not only acceptable, it is actually encouraged.
It makes you wonder, have arranged marriages finally met their match? At first glance, it would appear so. South Asian youth are finding their own partners, enjoying lengthy relationships, and deciding when and whether to wed.
And yet, this newfound freedom is not unfettered. It is not as if parents have been completely removed from the equation. On the contrary, they are very involved, keeping themselves informed on the progress of a relationship, monitoring if it is moving in the ‘right’ direction towards matrimony, and offering unsolicited advice and words of wisdom. Sometimes parents take on the role of middlemen, actively getting the word out on the eligibility of their offspring. And where their personal networks yield an insufficient crop of suitable prospects, they have even been known to log on to matrimonial sites themselves! Indeed, the very notion of family is so central to our cultural life that parents are implicated one way or another in virtually every step leading up to the marriage of a child.
When viewed from this lens, does it not seem as though the custom of arranged marriages has evolved and modernized, but remains essentially what it always was?
“Arranged marriages” is a broad concept that can encompass a multitude of circumstances within its rubric. On the one end of the spectrum, there are the arranged marriages in the most traditional sense. These still do occur, albeit less and less frequently. On the other end of the spectrum, there are facilitated setups with little or no parental intervention initially but that ultimately result in holy matrimony largely due to their direct or indirect influence. Along that continuum, I have witnessed the gamut. I have a friend who was on a mission to marry. Her introduction to men was arranged largely by her parents or family friends. She took the process seriously and “interviewed” around 40 men before she met her destined spouse. First they dated, then they married! I have several other friends who met their mates online or through dating services, but then involved their families early on to complete the vetting process.
As for me, my husband courted me. But my parents were along for the journey every step of the way. While it was not an arranged marriage in a conventional sense, our ultimate union was greatly influenced by our culture, families and expectations. At the time, it was not easy to work out the cross-cultural kinks. But, looking back, we wouldn’t change a thing.
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